Chapter VIII
Making Rational Decisions

Introduction

We make decisions all the time. Some of our decisions are aware and rational. Many of our decisions are made unawarely. Unaware decisions can be rational, but many of these are irrational, that is, based on emotions or on inaccurate information. Irrational decisions of the emotional kind are made as determined by our chronic distress patterns (CDP).

Read chapter II of this document to get a full understanding of what a CDP IS. Briefly, a CDP is a syndrome of behavior that developed around reactions to repeated distress laden events (stimuli) one encounters most often during early childhood that is internalized as a set of automatic behaviors, perceptions and mental processes. The central core of every CDP is a “message” of invalidation of one’s value, worth, power, goodness and adequacy. This core invalidation colors our decisions which is why a critical check on our decisions is imperative.

For example, let us suppose that Mr. Smith’s CDP is hostility towards authority figures. Further, let’s suppose Smith’s boss is actually a kind and fair person, but with whom Smith had not had enough contact to know him well.

Now, let us say, the boss has taken over a project that Smith is working on, and makes authoritative decisions with which Smith does not necessarily agree. Smith’s CDP will automatically channel his reactions in a negative pathway. “Who does he think he is” Smith may ideate. “He thinks my work is no good,” or “He thinks he’s better than me,” and “I hate what he’s doing, but I gotta go along, my job is at stake here, but I don’t have to like it,” are other possible reactions Smith may have. All these reflect Smith’s CDP control over his reactive processes.

Smith has a certain amount of survival awareness and over the years he has learned to cover up his reactions when his fate is on the line. Nonetheless, the cover up always has leaks in it (all covers up do) and little by little Smith’s tension begins to sour the human environment and his relationship to the boss. The boss is also only human and begins to react to Smith’s tension and distress. As fair and kind as the boss may be, he is not a psychologist. He begins to react in kind towards Smith. The situation escalates; Smith begins to make mistakes and, of course, blames the boss. Ultimately the tension begins making Smith sick, aggravates his stomach ulcer and (anger) headaches. Smith quits the project, and with great anger quits his good paying job. The anger is probably repressed and Smith exacerbates and increases his CDP with all sorts of excuses, rationales and blaming. Smith’s life and future now becomes more problematical.

The further damage to Smith’s psyche is an enlargement of his CDP in that the reinforced distress from the experience and his automatic reactions has actually expanded the grip of the CDP over his mental/emotional processes. In actuality more of Smith’s brain cells become infected, as it were, by the chronic distress and he has less free and flexible power with which to rationally think and behave.

Chapter II of this document also describes the kind of physical and organic damage unhealed chronic distress effects on one’s system. Smith’s health, energy and vitality will erode over time due to the chemical/hormonal dysfunction such distress causes. The amount of symptoms that medical practitioners cannot account for in their patients is enormous. Their guess work and experiments with medicine and drugs, and the side effects, often cause further deterioration while masking symptoms.

The problem is that mainstream western medicine has yet to take into account, in a formal way, the significant influence chronic mental/emotional distress has on the health of our human systems. Pockets of growing awareness of this matter, however, are cropping up here and there in the medical field. The ceaseless chemical research done by pharmaceutical giants, while genius like and sometimes very beneficial, still far outpaces such progress, steeped in the motivation of profits as it is.

The foregoing illustration is but one example of the many blocks to making rational decisions we endure. It is always extremely best to engage in the healing of distress, such as this entire document outlines. Yet, there is a pretty fair way of intellectually arriving at decisions that are more rational than how we typically make our important decisions.

The Rational Decision Making Process

The strategy is simple sounding:

First, weigh the subject matter relating to the decision with respect to its priority importance to your life.

Example. Let us suppose you need to make the decision to accept the offer to transfer your job to another state or location far from your home, or where you have been for a significant amount of time.

How much weight does this job transfer have as a priority for your life circumstances? Top, moderate, low? Let us suppose you decide that it is of top priority, because of the opportunity it presents.

Next, make a list of all the pros and cons for accepting the offer (you feel you should accept the offer because it is a top priority).

Example. Pros: The offer includes the opportunity to advance your job status.

The offer comes with an increase of your income.

With the potential higher job level and certain increased income you can get closer to making your goals and dreams come true: better living and health insurance, bigger savings, better ability to send the kids to college, better affordability for important hobbies and vacations, and ultimate retirement etc.

Add as many pros you can think of.

Cons: The move takes you away from your parental and extended family, and everything familiar.

It takes you away from cherished friends and social circles.

It pulls your spouse and kids away from their cherished family members and friends.

It forces the kids to leave their school and strong roots.

You have established yourself well in your present job; you are making ends meet fairly well. The risk in how well you may do in the new job position could be great, and the doors would be closed to returning to the present job since it would have to be filled when you leave.

How you would like or dislike the new location is unknown.

Dealing with your spouse’s and kids’ feelings.

The discomfort of packing, deciding what to take or leave behind, moving.

Add any other cons you can think of.

Next, list the pros and cons in parallel columns on a sheet(s) of paper (or computer page).

Create a rating scale of importance with respect to the pros and cons. Let’s say the scale is one to ten.

Assign a rating number to each of the items in both columns. Keep in mind the priority you have attached to this subject and the decision you have to make.

As you consider each item, doubtless your feelings will come up. Decide over and over if needs be to push these feelings aside for the moment. Below is a guide to dealing with the feelings later after you have finished this process.

Total the ratings up for each side. Which side of the decision has the greater score? That will determine your decision.

Dealing with feelings

In chapter V of this document, Loving, Rewarding Relationships, I outline the steps for creating a listening Partnership. I encourage you to read the chapter, and the rest of the doc, little by little, perhaps, since there is so much information to absorb.

In brief, set up with your partner, or by yourself, a time to process the feelings. (See chapter IV for a full description of the “Mechanism of Healing.”)

Don’t “discuss” them in the typical way, interrupting, disagreeing, interpreting, advising and the like. With such interruptions one seldom gets to the critical point of the story where one can let go, i.e. ventilate the feelings and detoxify the inner distress chemistry that holds in the emotional distress.

Rather, each one takes a turn at venting for as many minutes or hours as your time permits. Then turn it around, the first one becomes the listener for the other, for an equal amount of time. As you listen maintain a caring, interested, relaxed attitude as your partner discharges the distress.

As you listen, you will react and feel the urge to interrupt to tell your story or other thoughts. Decide to keep it in check until it’s your turn. The more you do this the easier the process will become.

Let out all your feelings the pros and cons bring up: the sadness, the anger, the fear, the frustration or confusion, respectively: the tears or sobs, the cussing and pounding (not on your partner; a pillow will do) the cold sweat and/or the trembling, the words and phrases that describe your feelings and thoughts, the laughter.

Don’t resist the thoughts that come up. Example, say during your session the thought “I don’t want to” comes up. Don’t repress it. Say it a thousand times if necessary, say it with gusto. Soon it will lose its charge. As you discharge the feelings enough, you will experience greater and greater relaxation and confidence in your decision.

It is always helpful to take both sides on the decision, one at a time, the “yes” I will make the move, then “no” I won’t. Then run each choice over and over, let the feelings and thoughts come up. Verbalize them, discharge them.

Do this process with your spouse or trusted other. Do it as many times during the week as time allows.

Then, become the listener for the others in your family, your spouse, each child, others in the family who have strong feelings.

If you must process your feelings alone, then use the strategy of journaling and/or recording your feelings and thoughts, as you write or record into a recording device. Then read or play back the material. Do this again and again, aloud (you are alone, there is nothing nor anyone to judge you); the change, relaxation and the decision will come sooner or later.

When you are ready, go in to your boss and give him or her your decision. You will be able to do this with confidence and relaxation. The boss will be impressed.

Conclusion

You can use this process for every decision that presents a pro and con side; any decision that involves conflicting feelings or urges, or that you are just not sure of.

This process is very useful for those decisions you feel sure of, just to check out how rational the decision is. This process is always critical when the decision you make, especially those decisions you make automatically without critical thinking, are such that other people or any entity can be intrinsically oppressed by the actions your decision produces.

In the example cited above the prospect of moving to a better job opportunity is not intrinsically oppressive to your family. Their feelings may come up from the prospect of leaving friends and family, from the fear of moving and facing new challenges, from the fear of risking the unknown. Using the listening partnership process will ease these feelings, and create harmony.

An example of intrinsic oppression, for example, is a decision to withhold an act of kindness or fairness from a person because he or she is different in someway: race, physical condition, age, nationality, gender or gender orientation and such, when the person is otherwise deserving and/or qualified.

You have it in your power to make decisions that further your life and that make everyone you touch better off for it. As a pebble dropped in a pond makes ripples that touch everything in the pond, so too have you the same influence in the world.

You were born inherently with courage, intelligence and flexibility. Your inherent humanness is a gift to all.

Decide to internalize this natural reality.