Chapter X

On Parenting

Introduction

Parents are important.

Parents do the most important work in society. They care for and raise the next generation of human beings. Hopefully the result of their work will be the furthering of society’s well being and awareness .

This is the ideal. We know that much of the work is hampered by the oppressive conditions in society: the job, the boss, money, hostile competition, bureaucracy, relationships, distrust, un-communication, burdens, common abuse, as well as the internalized hurts and oppressive patterns within the parents themselves.

No one, no parent, alive today is originally at fault for the oppressions and for transmitting their hurts to their young ones. We are, however, all responsible for raising our awareness regarding the impact of our own hurts and behavioral patterns upon our children and upon one another; responsible for healing the hurts, changing the way we do business in family and society, and improving the conditions and morality of society. The previous chapters of this document are powerful guides to healing and taking charge.

The most important group in society is the population of parents and parents to be. More and more is there support for children, for elders, for women, and, less so, for men and working people.

But parents are the least thought about as a group. They are pretty much left to do their work based on what they learned and internalized from their own parents: the rules and messages about worth, roles, who they and their children are supposed to be, how they are supposed to feel, what they are supposed to believe, how much power and support they are supposed to have or not, and what to expect from their parents, authorities, from their peers, from themselves; “from life.”

Many things about good parenting are known intuitionally by many parents. Many things have been learned over the decades about what is needed to produce good parenting and thus a solid basis for children to have stability and growth as successful adults.

But in our society these wise things still generally belong to the province of the mental health field, or are found in the books and literature by experts. Parents are required to seek out the knowledge, if indeed they have enough awareness, time or motivation to do so, and by paying through the nose for such information, training or counseling.

Requiring parents to swim for themselves is wrong. This is oppressive. This contributes to the perpetuation of the status quo of the dysfunctional conditions parents struggle against and in which children grow up; yet parents are expected to produce productive, rational lives for themselves and their children, against all odds. The following information is free.

Respecting Ourselves and Our Children

The first thing each one of us, parent, parent to be, or not, must do is to decide to raise our awareness that life, human life, the gift each one of us has, is phenomenal, unique, precious, and is, in its true sense, miraculous.

No sense to waste our time in quibbling about the source of life, spiritual or natural, whatever the cause, the above is phenomenally real and true. Let philosophers quibble about what is real and true.

Cut us, we bleed or, perhaps, think we bleed. In any case it hurts, or seems to hurt. In any case we act on the pain. Bacteria acts on a wound. We either treat it properly or it festers with infection and threatens our health and life.

Cut us emotionally, mentally, whatever word one chooses, and the same thing happens: we heal it or it festers with psycho/neural infection to threaten our health and lives (with depression, anxiety, self-hate, rage, addictive behaviors, low immunity and physical illness, premature aging, debilitation and undeserving death).

Love us, respect us, treat us fairly and equally and we blossom, we flourish, we give back to the world like qualities, and the world blossoms and flourishes. This is what it means to be human, to have life.

This is true of each one of us, but as older ones we carry the baggage and barnacles of the oppressive system. Little ones, children, are the closest examples of this live, unique, precious, phenomenal miracle of human life.

Decide to consistently treasure them. Any and every child has the potential to contribute something important to society and to further its progress. Consciously or unconsciously, when we hurt a child society suffers a loss. This loss is really a crime.

The second thing that parents must do is decide to be aware of how their distresses, their patterns, behaviors and moods effect, and condition, that is, hurt, their children.

What didn’t you like growing up? Not being listened to, talked down to, not being allowed to think or work things out for yourself, being over or under protected, being dumped on with their upsets, being expected to blindly obey or conform to their rules and dictates (without good information or reasons) regardless of how rigid or senseless they were, being blamed or made to feel responsible for their pain and irresponsibilties, being told other people are bad in some way or another because of who or what they are, watching them act out abusive ways towards themselves and/or others; and, of course, the big ones: mental/physical/sexual abuse (which any of the foregoing can consist of).

Please read the first five chapters of this document, “Life, Love, Health and Happiness” for a more complete discussion of what hurts us and what heals us.

Children, especially your children, don’t like any of these things either.

Stating this in terms of like or dislike is really begging the issue. These “hurts” actually scar us for life. They require hours and hours, and usually lots of money, to reduce the pain or to adjust the dysfunctional behavior that result from irrational or painful conditioning.

Such influencing behavior and modeling on the part of the big ones are imposed on the child’s mental system even from prebirth and during the first few years of her or his life. The child’s mind is in flux, prepared to learn about the world, about themselves, about others, how and what to be, what to believe and what to expect, how to survive and deal with the world and its challenges as young ones and, eventually, as adults.

The information, the conditioning environment and events form neural patterns in the child’s mental and psycho/emotional system. The patterns compel behavior, perception and emotional states within the child. These patterns dictate the quality of life, imposes limitations on choices and the paths the child takes in late childhood and thereafter, as well as lay the foundation of mental and physical health problems which begin to show symptomatically sooner or later.

These conditioning factors explain much of how each one of us feels and behaves the way we do as adults. They explain how we parent our own children.

How do you wish to be treated by others, by the world? (Push any feelings of hopelessness or cynicism aside to answer this question). Do you wish to be respected, cared about, to be listened to without judgment and bias, to be treated fairly and justly? Do you wish to be given truthful and reliable information? Do you wish to be given a chance to think, to discover, to succeed, to express your feelings, your talents, your hopes and dreams? Do you wish to be trusted and seen as a unique, valid and important individual with something useful to say and contribute to the world? (This last, particularly, is the basis of real happiness)

In your heart of hearts the answer must be “yes.”

Every child expects and yearns for the same. Why do infants, generally, seem so happy? It is because we are born with such expectations. It is an inherent state, designed by whatever shaped human life, which serves as a basis for success and fulfillment:

“Hello world, here I am! Oh, look at all the big ones around me; boy oh boy I’m going to learn everything about this wonderful place, and then add my own gifts to it, boy oh boy oh boy!”

Because a healthy, fulfilled and successful life is built on such early validation, it is a shock and threatening life long scar to be confronted by hurtful distress and rigid behaviors on the part of the big ones on whom we naturally depend, and love.

Every child needs and deserves to be unconditionally respected.

This does not mean that the child should be allowed to run willy nilly around in an unsafe world, but authoritative control is a conditioning hurt. Rather, guidelines consistently accompanied with full information and reasons for the guideline, affection, regard given in a relaxed manner is profoundly effective. Given such support the child grows to handle life confidently and flexibly, able to think for her or himself and to fulfill her or his inherent talents and dreams.

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Authoritative control, especially exerted in a strict or harsh way, or exercised in the midst of emotional upset or fear imposes anxiety and invalidation into the psyche of a child. If such control is the standard in the child’s family and environment the child will grow to be afraid and/or resentful, and will act out such hurtful dynamics in its life, against self and others.

Even under the guise of love, concern or affection authoritative control is still internalized by the child as patterns and feelings of powerlessness or being unequal, of fear and/or inhibition to express her or his thoughts, ideas, unique talents and gifts. The opposite pole: lack of attention and ignoring the child has similar effects. Often a child raised in such environments may grow to be successful in fulfilling the expectations of the parents, but painfully anxious about “failing” such expectations, and miserable in the repression of her or his own talents and dreams. How often do we hear of the case of where someone at the height of success gives it up to pursue some other path or form of expression? Be very clear that the painful misery is always accompanied by severe emotional problems, behaviors and addictions.

You the parent and would-be parent also deserve unconditional respect.

This does not mean license to perpetuate your own patterns of unhappiness or rigid behaviors, or to expect people to enable you or ignore the dysfunctions. These patterns are not you (we often defend them by claiming “this is me!”). You are, underneath that pile of hurtful patterns, still that original, unique, bright, happy and lovable individual I have described every child as being. This is your real, inherent stuff. The pile of hurt is just the result of the conditioning you were faced with as a child growing up.

Have I used the analogy of the shining new ship with its sparkling bulkhead and superstructure? Yes, it is created, but after sailing rough seas for so many years it is covered with barnacles, rust and other tarnishment. But take a hunk of steel wool and a lot of elbow grease to it and it is revealed again to be its beautiful, shining self.

We are like that. You are like that. The respect you deserve starts with your own self-respect and courage: the decision to confront your own distress patterns, to admit them and to heal them, or at least gain awareness and control over them. You do this for the sake of your own health, happiness and that of your child or children to be, and for the future of the human family.

I have encouraged you to read at least the first five chapters of this document, and then the chapter on “relationships.” This information will arm you with the tools and the ability to assert your power for the task of raising your awareness, accomplishing your healing, and becoming the kind of parent who experiences the joyful rewards of growing your child. Fundamental Parenting Guidelines

Physical and Emotional Safety:

Make the environment for baby and child safe, foam padding on sharp corners, bric a brac out of the way, good temperature and light, etc. If there is a room for adults with lots of stuff that can get broken or hurt the child, put up a barrier to that room, and make the rest safe.

Provide a clean, healthy and safe environment for your child. Protect, nurture and nourish your child well.

Don’t put a very young child to sleep, alone, in a dark room. Such isolation is scary and hurtful. The child will cry every time it wakes up. Let the child sleep in its bassinet or crib next to you, feeling safe. You and your partner will just have to improvise the timing of your intimate activities.

In a relatively short time you can begin to wean your toddler away from needing constant closeness: hide from the child’s sight; when the child begins to cry, come right back, give it gentle, patient, loving attention allowing her or him to fully cry it out. The child will internalize that she or he is safe and will not be abandoned. The “separation anxiety” will disappear after a few, perhaps several trials.

Spare your child your upsets, they scare young children, and they present a distressed model for the child. She or he will internalize the upsets as distress patterns, which will, if such modeling persists, show sooner or later in your child as chronic distress patterns (such patterns are the painful enemies of happiness, confidence and health).

If you are angry, scared or pouring out tears, explain to the child that it has nothing to do with her or him (even if you think it has – something the child may have done may be the trigger for your upset. The child is not trying to hurt you, your upset comes out of the pile of distress that has been dumped on you since your own early days and which you have yet to heal – read the first five chapters about “what hurts us”, “what heals us”, and share the reason for your upset. Then have someone look after the child and go into another room, beat the hell out of a pillow, unload what you have to, then return when you are more relaxed. If there is no one present to take care of the child, hold your feelings together until later when the spouse or friend is available to listen to you. Again, read the chapter on relationships.

If you are chronically depressed or anxious, again assure your child that she or he is innocent. This alone will not prevent the child from internalizing your distress. Share with your child how your life was in as relaxed a manner as possible. Your child will be so attentive and compassionate; she or he will be a natural counselor. But don’t lean constantly on your child for such support. Embark on a regime of healing, establish a “Listening Partnership” (read the preceding chapters) with your spouse, a friend or seek out a professional counselor who has an excellent listening ability. Paying Attention:

Pay attention to the child consistently. If you have work to do, keep the child close. If the child shows upset check for any physical problems, pins or a full diaper, gas, hunger, etc. A broken or dropped toy can set the child off. Correct the problem, burp or try to feed the child (if the child rejects the offering of food, don’t force it on the child, that is not the problem – this only teaches the child that food is a substitute for solution, you don’t want an addicted, overweight or obese child).

If there is nothing physically wrong then an emotional stimulus is triggering the child’s upset. Even a scowl aimed at the child by a close one will trigger fear and grief in the child. The unwritten message is “you’re bad, I don’t like you,” something of this nature, something threatening. Is someone acting out or showing distress around the child? Is it you, perhaps, or someone close?

In as relaxed a manner as you can effect, gaze confidently, affectionately at the child, and gently hold her or him if the child lets you. Listen! Compassionately smile. Listen while the child runs through the tears or tantrum, listen until the child ends the emotional release. You’ll be delighted at the brilliant smile that comes forth from the child. She or he will know intuitively that she or he is loved, respected, safe and completely worthwhile. Free of the grip of the painful emotion, the child’s mind will evaluate the event intuitionally and will gain in knowledge and confidence. The child will reward you with its joy, love and affection.

Preverbal children have a very definite language. They will smile and accept what they like; they will push away and turn their face away from that which they don’t like. If they are flailing their arms or kicking their legs they are telling you they feel frustration or anger. If something in the environment is causing the frustration or other distressful upset, correct it. It may be something internal that is causing the upset. Do the paying attention listening as described above. If the upset endures a very long time consult with a professional child care giver. Support the Child’s Learning:

Present your child with stimulating toys, color books and other such material. Play and read to the child. If money is an issue, be creative: put together from available material safe “toys” to play with. The human mind, especially the young human mind, is voracious for knowledge and learning. “Play” and hands on experience is the earliest way children learn about matter and the world: how to use it, manipulate and master it. This helps to prepare the child for a successful and fulfilling life.

Give your child information about everything in a way that that she or he can understand. This does not mean your bias or negative judgment about people and their culture, orientation, religion or race. Nor does it mean statements of hopelessness or powerlessness you may have learned. It means factual information. If you don’t know the answer to your child’s question, happily research the answer with your child. Discover things together. This is a real joy for your child. The rewards are great for both of you.

Your child is watching you in intimate detail. Whatever you do routinely, work, shop, clean, learn, play, take care of yourself (and others you are responsible for) your child will become expert at. TRUST your child in her or his attempts to copy you in your activity. DON’T rush in to do the activity for your child, this takes away the learning experience from her or him. Let your child do as much of the task as she or he can. The child will let you know in no uncertain terms when she or he needs your help or guidance. That’s the time to cooperate, give information, and guide the child’s activity cooperatively.

VALIDATE the child’s effort with pleasing words and smiles. Let the child win! Your child will grow in power and confidence. You don’t need to compete with your child to the extent that you show him how big you are, how superior you are. In the activity show the child you are trying as hard as she or he is. Sometimes you win and sometimes your child wins, be balanced. Then when the child “wins” the experience is powerful and joyful.

Let me share an anecdote with you. I was in the Toys R Us store with my close friend and her seven year old. To a child that store is a temple of delights. Almost everything the child saw she asked mom “can I have that?’ Mom invariably answered “no.” She was limited in money, but she gave no reasons to her daughter. Finally both mom and child became upset. I asked mom if I could try something with the child. Mom trusted me, she said “yes” with a desperate tone in her voice. Right in the middle of the store, I sat down on the floor and invited the child to sit with me. “What’s hurting you, honey,” I asked. The child immediately began to cry full out, as I was paying attention to her. This was not easy for mom, but she trusted me. The child wailed for about twenty minutes. I didn’t interrupt her. Then, wonder of wonder to mom (and others who were watching near by) the child stopped and beamed at me, then at mom, and gave mom a huge hug. She was showing mom that she understood mom’s difficulty in some intuitional way. We continued through the store. The child remained happy and cheerful. Finally mom and child settled on a toy that they could afford.

A word about toys and things: In a materialistic world such as ours, having material possessions is tantamount to being worthwhile. This is oppressively sad, but true. When children see other children with things and this or that particularly popular toy, and they themselves don’t have the same things, they feel less worthy, more ashamed. This is a terrible hurt to internalize. What if the parents can’t afford the things or that toy? They must do what I did with the child in the above anecdote. They must pay attention to the child’s hurt and support the child to release the pain. In such a case being paid attention to, made to feel she or he is worth the time and love of the big person, far outweighs the importance of some physical thing. The child will be far stronger and secure than the other child who is dependent on some transitory physical thing. The same is true of adults in the materialistic world.

One more anecdote is worth the telling. I was with the same mom and child at Disneyland, in a toy store (before the above incident), the child was asking, and then begging for this or that toy. Each time mom had to say no, because of finances, but giving no reasons. I asked mom a question “How much money were planning to spend on your child. She told me, so many dollars. I suggested to mom that she give that amount to her child and let the child buy what she could or wanted with it. Mom thought I was crazy, but she trusted me. She gave her child the money. It was like a magical movie. The child selected a toy, brought it to the cashier, and asked the cashier how much it was and how much would she have left of her money. The cashier answered kindly and dutifully. The child did this with several toys. She then selected the one that made most sense to her and that she liked. She bought the toy and gave the change back to mom. Mom was astonished and happy; the child was joyful and proud.

How did this happen? Mom happened to be a smart and careful shopper. As I stated above, children watch and learn in detail from the parents. The child’s watching and learning how mom shopped paid off for her in this delightful human episode. “Teaching Motivation”:

One hears this phrase many times regarding children. It is a sad irony that adults feel they must do this, in many cases.

Every creature, from apes to earthworms, is endowed with the inherent impulse to survive, to thrive, and to succeed according to its specie specific genetic make up. This is also true of the human creature.

Notice in the very young one the natural curiosity, the need to discover and learn, the impulse to understand and master the challenge – “why, mommy, why daddy, why, why, why?” How often does the typical parent get impatient, even upset, at the child’s need to know (such response is learned when the parent, as a child, was so responded to by her or his parent).

Nature provides this impulse to her creatures because she likes to have successful individuals in order to maintain and advance the evolutionary success of her species.

It is only when the human child is greeted with impatient or distressed child raisers (parents, teachers, mostly) that discouragement and invalidation gets internalized within the child’s psycho/emotional system. Such conditioning leads to varying degrees of hopelessness, inhibitions and negative self-images.

Then, when the child reaches late childhood, the teens or early adulthood and shows reticence in approaching tasks and challenges, the interested adults in her or his life decide that “motivation” needs to be taught.

To put it in gross terms, it is as if a child is invalidated and slapped around while growing up, and then told at a certain age, “Go, be happy.”

Even ”good” parents are not immune to presenting inhibiting conditioning to their child. It is a matter of how they, the parents, were raised and conditioned, and thus transmit such effects to the children.

Again, it is emphatically NOT the fault of the parent. Distressful conditioning is a function of the historically irrational and oppressive social culture of human society, which can’t help but be reflected in the family.

It is however, the responsibility of each one of us to raise our awareness, to heal our distress patterns and to nurture the next generation well. School Involvement:

Our school systems generally operate on rote, herd, “teaching” instead of recognizing and validating the uniqueness of each child, and nurturing that important value in young ones. Instead of throwing our treasury away on war, on greed and corruption, or perpetuating the have and have not culture, we need to put a lot of this treasure into our schools and parent education (and counseling) to create rational and exciting learning systems.

The invalidated and reticent child, indeed the family, needs the support and, if necessary, the healing processes such as is described in the chapters of this document. The Reward of Good Parenting:

The above are general and powerful guidelines regarding effective parenting. They cannot cover every specific nuance of the dynamic and complicated relationship between the parent and the child. However, if these fundamentals are put into practice and become the standard of parenting in the family, and the community, the parenting awareness and intuition will grow powerfully. They will guide the parent through almost every moment in the process of raising one’s child. Mistakes will be clearly and swiftly seen by the parent and straightened out with no lasting hurtful effects on the child.

Fulfillment, pride, joy and confidence will be the life-long rewards of struggling through and accomplishing the immensely important art and skill of good parenting. Improving The World of Parenting

We must make the knowledge and insight about parenting learned in the last decades of the human experience more than just the expertise of the professional world of counseling, social work and other disciplines regarding human improvement and parenting. We must make the wisdom an integrated part of our educational and family systems.

We can and must provide the funds to do this; nothing is more important to a healthy, safe, just and prosperous society.

Just as we have successfully raised social awareness about the danger of smoking through public information and advertising, we can raise social awareness about the urgent need for responsible parenting; about the resulting societal ills of irrationally habitual family and parental dysfunction. An extreme example of such dysfunction lies in the research of the lives of habitual criminals: in almost every case the childhoods of these people are tragic stories of neglect, abuse, anger and hopelessness. Such conditioning could not help but result in destructive lashing out against self, others and society.

But it is not just the case of the abused child turning to a criminal life. Let us not deny the society wide dysfunctions of alcohol and drug use, of over eating, of workaholic-ism, gambling and irrational sexual activity, abuse and compulsion, of relationship and marital conflict and failure (it is estimated that 50% of marriages now fail), of avoidance and procrastination - not to mention the fortunes spent on therapy – all these are the symptomatic results of societal neglect of parents and family, and thusly family dysfunction and lack of parental awareness, skill and sensitivity. (Again, not the original fault of parents, but certainly the responsibility to learn and change)

We can and must institute community wide public parenting training (and counseling where needed) classes at little or no cost to the parent and parent-to-be (which means almost any teen and adult), or at least on a sliding scale. Government and big business support and funding can be targeted here, (at a fraction of the cost of war, graft and waste, corporate trickery, mental health, criminal systems et al) - certainly these institutions will greatly benefit.

We must train teachers on how to spot troubled students; how to counsel, help and expeditiously act in such cases.

We must empower and mandate teachers to enlist wider support from authorities and to recommend family counseling intervention. We must pass legislation to require such counseling of parents.

We must do these things in respectful and supportive ways, which should be part of the training of teachers, school and civic officials.

How many horrible and tragic cases of Colombine and Virginia Tech, to cite one example, can be avoided by taking such action?

We can and must initiate parent training (and counseling where needed) for all students starting no later than middle school. Subtler and age appropriate methods can be introduced even at the kindergarten level, such as “playing the family” with the young ones taking on revolving roles: mommy, daddy, children, and, of course, guided by the teacher.

These are some of the things we can do to elevate our society and give people a real and reliable chance for safety and fulfillment; really for a better chance to live contributive and happy lives.

The reader can probably think of and create other useful and productive ways of improving our world of family and social progress.

Your thoughts and ideas are encouraged, welcomed and needed as articles and postings on this site’s bulletin board.